Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
