just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
