If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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