My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
