Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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