speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
