I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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