i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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