remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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