I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
