Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
