So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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