I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We need a shit load of segways right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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