Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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