I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
