don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
