I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
