Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
