Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
