I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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