Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
