can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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