I just gift wrapped bread.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
