Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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