listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
