are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
