I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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