Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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