I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
