I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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