I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
