FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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