spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
