On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
