It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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