You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
