i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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