apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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