Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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