Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
