Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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