I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
