90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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