Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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