I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
tell me about the fingering
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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