so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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