Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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