she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
