I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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