I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
