i think my tv is drunk
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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