my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just had sex bonerless
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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