Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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