I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
