How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
