he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
What a dumb baby whore.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card