You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
