I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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