Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i was born a porn star she said
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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