Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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