did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
